I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
