I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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