He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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