I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Randomize
