My room smells like vodka and shame
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
