Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
