I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
The Olympian is in my bed
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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