If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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