mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
