My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
