Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Can I color on your dick again?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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