i wish my penis had a tongue
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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