I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
you had me at cake vodka
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Randomize
