Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
