Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
