I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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