I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I want to fling myself into the sun
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
