This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
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