i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
