Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
He felt like a one man threesome
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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