Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
