when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
