Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
