You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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