all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
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