Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard