i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
