I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
