Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
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