I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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