My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
