There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
