Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
