I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Randomize
