I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
