my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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