When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
