Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
