don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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