I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
