I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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