I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
