i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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