Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
