Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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