HIV tests are more positive than that guy
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
