normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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