My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
