So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
no you cant smoke seaweed
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
