My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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