This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize
