1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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