I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
