Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Randomize
