when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
