So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
